Why I Really Need To Get Laid More

Since the separation from hubby and moving back in with my folks at the beginning of the year, I haven’t exactly had much opportunity for the sexing.

Most of this is due to my complete lack of opportunity thanks to the whole having kids/living with parents thing, but there’s also a highly contributing factor of a general lack of age appropriate males in my daily interactions.

(Ok, in all fairness there’s a fairly good lack of of human interaction in general, but as most of the human contact I get is from my kiddo’s preschool teachers, the overwhelming lack of testosterone is especially notable.)

However, there is this one guy…..

He goes to the church my father attends and which I’ve been tagging along to (mostly just to get out of the house, and they also provide free child care) since coming to the isolated mountain town.

And he also happens to be the pastor’s son.

Who also happens to be the very same pastor who lives two houses down from my folks.

Sooo….. welcome to a small town.

But he IS rather cute. And very sexy, as he works as the caretaker for a local ghost mine and has some serious muscles, plays the bass in the choir, and has a charmingly rakish look about him at all times thanks to some self hair-cuts and nearly always sporting a weeks growth of beard.

And my stealthy internet searching skills tell me he is 28, which is a good a good (read: not old and decrepit) age.

But see, I only see him at church, and since we make a quick exit post service due to the little squeaker’s impending nap time, I don’t exactly have much opportunity for casual conversation which could potentially end up with me tricking him into asking me out to dinner.

However, I DO get a solid hour+ every week to sit there and subtly stair at the back of his sexy head of hair.

And perhaps, daydream about how we would go for a walk down by the creek after dinner at the local (and awesome) brewery, where we would stop on the pedestrian bridge to watch the snow melt turbulence and then he’d put his arm around me and…

Oh crap, we’re standing and singing now.

….then suddenly we’d be kissing, and somehow it would instantly go into that seriously intimate making out, but then someone would startle us out of it by making a cat call as they walked over the bridge….

Jesus fucking Christ, that guy sucks at reading from the bible.

…..so I’d comment “we’re totally not in the right place for this” and he’d nod and lead me back to his truck and a short ride later we’d be at his cabin…..

Ah crap, I am SO going to hell for daydreaming about having sex with the pastor’s son IN CHURCH.

FWB Personals

I was browsing the craigslist personals (because none of the real dating ones would let me stalk without giving them my email address and I’m  totally not interested enough to commit like that), and came across one that struck my fancy.

So I have a rather unique situation. On the one hand I’m at a point in my life where I don’t have the time or energy for a full blown committed relationship. On the other hand, I’m not the ‘sleep with a random stranger’ type. So, yes, I want what every other guy wants and every woman hates, the FWB situation.

I happen to be handsome, college educated, caring, laid back and a lot of fun. I don’t expect to find any woman on Craigslist who’s okay with the FWB situation, let alone one who is hot, sexy, cute or pretty. But I figured what the heck? I’m the type that only sleeps with one woman at a time, and I’m also a very caring, friendly person, so it would almost be like having a boyfriend, but not.

Anyway, like I said, I don’t expect much from this ad, probably men posing as women, spam bots, and big scary chicks wanting to hide me in their basements! But otherwise, please send a pic so I know you’re real and I’ll gladly return the favor. I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.

And I was all like, but I’m totally sexy and cute! And “don’t have the time or energy for a full blown commitment” describes my life perfectly!! AND I totally wouldn’t hide him in my basement!!!

(Unless he was REALLY sexy……)

But the logistics of finding even a few hours any more often than once every three months is a nightmare.

And then there’s the whole ‘would I really just go have sex with a stranger I found on the internets?’ question.

Which made me realize I haven’t had sex with someone new in 6 years.

Oh. My. God.

And that I’ve never done sex as part of hooking up with random people, because back when I was hooking up with random people I was in highschool and it was totally cool not to go past second base.

So…. It might get interesting in a little while when I start to get desperately horny enough move past the failed marriage thing and attempt to actually get laid.

Or maybe I should just invest in a new friend that won’t ever let me down (as long as I have extra batteries on hand).

The bullet

While standing in line at McDonald’s today I overheard one of the cashiers talking a bit on the loud side to a customer she (apparently) knew and saying:

“Oh yeah, the bullet is awesome. My mom has one and she says it works great!”

Which is about the moment that my eyes totally started bugging way out of my head and I started thinking “you are talking WAY to loud about that shit”.

(Not to mention TMI about your mom….)

Because I totally imagined THIS type of bullet.

Yep, that super awesome vibrating fun kind.

Turns out they were talking about the much more boring blender kind of bullet.

Of course, it took several additional minutes of eavesdropping for me to figure that out, and that was only after they started talking about smoothies.

(And now I seriously want a bullet after reading up on them while looking for the perfect picture for the post.)

((The vibrating kind. I really couldn’t care less about kitchen appliances.))

(((Unless it was a kitchen appliance that was ALSO a sex toy, cause that would be kinda cool….)))

bedtimes are for suckers

holy shit, I think I just might need to recreate this with my children as authors, it’s wicked funny shit!

 

bedtimesareforsuckers

My First Dictionary

Truly awesome, in that slightly demented humor sort of way.

Today’s word is Gawk.

My personal favorite is Consult.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What’s yours?

Dear Life,

I know we’ve been having so much fun out here, and it did probably seem like it’d be really exciting to throw in a 104 degree fever, teething baby, and unholily awful diaper rash on top of trying to sell the house, find a job, divorce a husband, and move.

But please cut it the fuck out.

Really, the preschooler and the high fever from unknown origins? Not cool. The accompanying puking? REALLY not cool. The puking caused by antibiotics? Really, really not cool. The incompetent idiots pretending to be doctors who can’t fucking get a new prescription called for an entire day and then leave at noon on Fridays so they can’t be reached to be informed that her third round of amoxicillan (how the fuck do you spell amoxicillan anyways? god damn worthless spell check! and yes I’m being too lazy to google it)  in two months isn’t doing jack shit and she’s still running a damn high fever and miserable? So unbelievably unfucking uncool it’s not even funny.

(She can’t even go to preschool!!)

And the baby cutting through like eight fucking teeth at once RIGHT NOW? Also not cool. And that nasty diaper rash that won’t clear up on account of a couple rounds of antibiotics for an ear infection that she just got over and despite me using the shit prescribed by the same incompetent assholes who can’t manage a real antibiotic or decent office hours? Really not cool.

And the whole “lets pull like 12 all nighters in a row because I’m dealing with all this shit and see how peachy keen life is then” plan for ME?! Yeah………..

Knock it. The fuck. Off.

I’ve been wearing the same dirty sweat pants for the last 42 hours straight, and counting. I don’t remember the last time I brushed my hair. And I have been eating chocolate like I’m trying to expand my ass at least three inches a day.

A little help here?

Thanks.

Peace, Love, and I will fucking kill you if I don’t get some sleep soon.

-Me

I CAN’T

Princess Sassafras has been going through a phase.

(It sure as hell had better be just a phase….)

She likes to scream “I CAN’T!!” when asked to do something.

Particularly things she is most capable of doing and has been doing herself for years.

(Like taking off her pajamas in the morning, or putting something into the trash can.)

And it’s been irritating the hell out of me.

All I want to do is scream back to her “YES YOU FUCKING CAN IF YOU’D STOP SCREAMING AND SPEND THREE SECONDS ACTUALLY TRYING!”

But parents aren’t supposed to do that.

So I end up resorting to drastic and majorly bluffing (so please, for the love of god, don’t make her call me on them one day) measures to attempt to convince her that she really might be able to carry her ballet slippers the 20 feet into the studio where her dance class is.

Like telling her “Fine, if you can’t carry them we’ll just go home and you won’t do dance class.”

Or in response to her sudden inability to take off her bedtime diaper (she IS toilet trained during the day, and totally could be at night too if I wasn’t such a fucking lazy bumwade), “Well, then I guess you’ll just have to wear your wet diaper to school today.”

And stuff to get out the door? “Alright, Little Raptor and I will just go get pancakes by ourselves and you can stay home since you can’t bring me your coat or put your shoes on.”

I don’t know if this is good parenting or not.

But I think the probablitiy of long term traumatizing is pretty low. And it will mostly work (although she will be carrying on about how she can’t the whole time she’s doing it), so that’s usually good enough for me.

As long as she doesn’t try to call me on the bluffs…..

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